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Archive for March, 2008

#1 The Party Game

pickadick.jpg

We begin shortly after my Mom has handed the phone over to my Dad, who wishes to ask me something. 

Dad: Boy, your Mom sure can talk, huh?

Me: She was telling me her doctor thinks she might have mono.

Dad: Mono? What’s that?

Me: It’s…wait, didn’t you drive her to the doctor’s office today?

Dad: You wouldn’t believe the traffic on the L.I.E., Ces.

Me: No, I mean wouldn’t you know Mom has mono?

Dad: I was in the waiting room, Ces. The doctor’s not gonna have both of us come in and hop up on the table.

Me: But didn’t you ask what…

Dad: Jesus, Ces, you should have seen the people I had to deal with in there. This old fuck kept sneezing on me. It made me sick. I mean, what the fuck was he doing outside anyway if he’s sneezing like that?

Me: Going to the doctor’s office?

Dad: What? Right, so we had to go to the doctor’s office. Ces, you should have seen the traffic on the expressway. All old people driving…

Me: Uh, Dad?

Dad: Yeah?

Me: Mom said you wanted to ask me something?

Dad: Ask you what?

Pause.

Dad: Oh, yeah. I found this great game I created a few years ago when I was looking through the basement. By the way, we still have a lot of your junk in there and the house is crowded enough. Maybe you can keep all the stuff at your apartment?

Me: What kind of junk is it?

Dad: Your old tests. Some notebooks from elementary school. Your diorama of the Shays Rebellion. What should I do with all this stuff?

Me: Uh, toss it?

Dad: You don’t want any of it?

Me: I don’t need any of it.

Dad: But what about me? You know how much I like to keep all your things!

Me: Just at my apartment.

Dad: Could you?

Me: No.

Dad: Okay, but don’t be upset if your mother throws it all out.

Me: But that’s what I…um, so you said you found a game?

Dad: One I created a few years ago. It would be huge now.

Me: What kind of game is it?

Dad: I think it would be perfect for orgies.

Pause.

Me: I’m sorry. What?

Dad: Y’know, orgies. Sex parties. Like that T-shirt design I did back in…

Me: I know what an orgy is, Dad!

Dad: Do you know how many times some thieving bastard stole that T-shirt idea? You know how rich I could be right now?

Me: Dad?

Dad: Sometimes I just want to punch someone right in the fucking…

Me: Dad? The game?

Dad: Oh, you’ll love it! Right now the working title is “Pick a Dick.”

Me: Oh, Dad…

Dad: You see, each player gets one big tile card shaped like an erect dick…

Me: Jesus, Dad…

Dad: And each turn they get to pick a connecting piece from the pile. Big cards that you attach to the dick like a jigsaw puzzle…

Me: Jigsaw puzzle. Right.

Dad: Some of the connecting pieces show an ass. Others show a mouth. There’s a whole bunch of different cards. And whatever card you attach to your “dick” the person has to do.

Me: Let me get…never mind. So it’s a game for two players?

Dad: No, it’s for an orgy party. I’m thinking between six to eight people.

Me: Wait, so the women even get, uh, “dick cards”?

Dad: Why would a woman have a dick? Just the guys. Six to eight guys. Maybe ten. Depends on whether or not I get around to making more cards.

Me: Oh, so the game is targeted to the gay market?

Dad: Gay?! What on earth made you say that?!

Me: It’s just that you said only guys get to play.

Dad: No, there would be a woman with them.

Long pause.

Me: Oh for Christsakes, Dad!

Dad: Now you get it? Whatever pieces the guy puts together, the woman…

Me: No, Dad. Don’t…just…just don’t…

Dad: What? I thought it would be great for the “tweener” market.

Me: WHAT?!

Dad: Y’know, people in their twenties.

Me: That’s the twentysomething market.

Dad: Wait, how old are tweeners?

Me: Ten to twelve.

Dad: No, no…that wouldn’t be right.

Me: Listen, Dad, it’s just that…where do I begin? Well, when did you come up with this game?

Dad: A little while ago.

Me: How long ago? Were Marcello and I still kids?

Dad: You were…younger…

Me: Okay, who was president at the time?

Dad: I know this…it was…hmm…Nixon!

Me: Nixon.

Dad: Y’know, Ces, he hated Italians.

Me: Maybe…maybe the game is more a product of its time then for today, Dad.

Dad: He constantly insulted the Italians on the tapes.

Me: He pretty much insulted every ethnic and racial group on the tapes.

Dad: Not as much as the Italians.

Me: I don’t think when he mentioned Jews he said, “Great sense of humor. Love their commitment to tradition.”

Dad: Why can’t you ever be on my side?

Me: Anyway, I’m just not sure that, uh, “Pick a Dick” would work anymore…if ever…

Dad: Of course it would! People still have sex. I even showed it to Cello and his girlfriend when they were over last week.

Me: You showed your cardboard erect penises to Brittany?!

Dad: I think she’s shy. She spent most of the weekend hanging out with your Mom.

Ces: Speaking of which, what does Mom think of all this?

Dad: I don’t know. She hasn’t even looked at it. She always looks tired. Do you think she could be sick?

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